Joined: Tue Jan 11 2005, 04:01pm
Location: Surrounded by morons
Posts: 406
Real men shouldn't need to be told how to do this. But since there aren't very many of us around, I thought I'd be doing the ladies a disservice if I didn't tell you shit-brained fuckups a few things about how it's done. Follow these instructions and you'll reap great rewards. Don't, and the hands will come down from on high and relieve you in very short order. It's okay, she'll say, she never cums from that anyway. But the truth is you're a miserable failure and should kill yourself.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually you drop from exhaustion, hot tears running down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although i am about to rock your insides with 3000 ibs. of explosives, heres a little intimate treat session to show you how i really feel." Instead of screaming "OH MY GAWD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do if you're any damn good at it), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous "ooooohhmygaawdooohmygodohmygod", kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil shiek.
1-BE DOWN Don't go down unless you're down! Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never, ever be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
2-DON'T SAY HI TO DRY A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little finger coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey dripping. Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light teasing strokes with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushinginto this, so make sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers. EXTRA TIP: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950's milkshake with 2 straws. IMPORTANT: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penatration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 80% of a woman's pleasure is about anticipation. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
3-SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last minute necking in like you're going away on holiday! Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head (huh?) like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It get's super hot down there and whipping the duvet cover off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start kissing her breasts and stomach and slowly, working your way down. Don't get carried away with tits....that's something you should of taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now, it's all about the stomach and the inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you alot of pussy eating time in the long run. (unless of course you LOOOOOVE to eat pussy.) By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it right, she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her breath for three days. EXTRA TRICK: hover over the bush for about 5 seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course we all know the mutha-fuckah smells sweeter thana bowl of steamin crawdaddies! IMPORTANT: NEVER bite the pussy in anyway whatsoever. If it needs more explaining than that, then you should do the world a favor and stick to jerking off.
4-PARTING THE RED SEAS Isolate your playing feild. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the cavity creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to identify all of the parts if she has a jungle going on down there. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
5-THE GRAND ENTRANCE Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up to her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these "St. Bernard licks" before moving on (take it really slow like four second per lick). this is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real sensitive she'll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're probably in for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a thirty minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
6-ROCK THE BOAT Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit! Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the lil' bastard who's boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisley what makes muff diving so difficult. He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the seeing to of it's life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area he's the only one who can't be squished. Once one of your tongue trooper find him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. EXTRA IMPORTANT TIP: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
7-IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one inch penis and you should dump her right away. EXTRA TIP: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn't really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft in the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is imppossible to teach but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "OH my GOD" means bring it on.
8a-CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no idea what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat him senseless like a boxer whaking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with soem circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the subject a relentless head smacking. Up_and_downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side_to_sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics. EXTRA TIP: Tp keep the rythym going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a mic mac indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistant action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale. IMPORTANT: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just keep keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
8b-CLITS THAT DON"T Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. just do the occasional St. Bernard lick until she comes, pure and simple. If your getting bored, try going in a different direction for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at a half and hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn't come, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
9-THE CONCLUSION Once you're done (totally finished) she's going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy, carpet. Make sure you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an f-15.
