Ok... ....it feels like I have a live wire in my stomach, loose, and hitting all the sides. I feel fight or flight...the primitive action to RUN and get nurishment. .......but, this is'nt nurishment....a special shittee committee is assembling in my head.....panic, and pandomodium......atlanta is burning down! .
..no it isnt liars.
God's Suz knows where to draw strenghth from.
.....ye old shittee committe, aka "suzette" is just watching, unsure if her howling will be justified with all the traffic, she's sitting quiet waitng to see what these voices say. ....or how not smoking will affect her.
Gods suzie tells her, this has nothing to do with you, just sit there, you are'nt strong enough to capture my attention right now...
the part that freaks you out... ....be cause your body says.....smoke, your rational mind says you don't smoke anymore.... ....then the "new" demons.... doubting you are a looser voices, the heckelers
I see these as little demons. ..one distracts you, another jumps on you..
like beavis and butthead do america...and beavis eats a mushroom...those demons..
......just annoying....no real power for intense PAIN.
senses are off...flowers smell like fish...a caress feels like
....don't touch me!.....live wire coming thru!
not like suzette...A MONSTER.....crushing my skull for three months ...... under her boot, on a curb.
I drove to my physical theopy...I had to jump out there, I'm agoraphobic right now ..people make me nervious because of the terret syndrome.... where I give a hearty Godamnit! ...because now I'm getting flash, panic, cravings .....like I stuck my finger in a socket it's an all over unpleasent body stimulation combined with a feeling of dred, and loss...
I'm gone and I'm back...BAM! .....it's not for a long time, just a quick surge..and a vile godless word....
...........I found out I am triggered by driving....I smoke in traffic.
in 15 minutes, I'm going to work... ....I don't have anxiety about it at all...valium helps. not that I can do alot.....but half is taking the edge off.
....I can do this.
==============================
day 2
12:37PM
well I'm back FROM WORK.....
..I had valium in my pocket all day....and never needed em
I chewed on a wellbutrin tho...at lunch
I had a few moments that were heart breaking....leaving work, driving home the 1st break....I did'nt miss sweatin my ass off in the august florida humid heat
....when I leave i still look for em a minute, and have to remind myself, I don't smoke.
same in the car, because i constantly smoked driving....I start feeling around in my purse....
....oh yeah....don't have any.
..Ive been timing the cravings....you know how analytical I can be.
I know there short....less than 60 secs
.I imagine the williams sisters playing tennis as fast as I can
I would sit and watch the clock when I was stupid enough to do coke...
....four to 6 hours of despair..
Ive had worse.
I wish I could suck my own dick..
Edited Wed Aug 12 2009, 01:57pm
NOW I know I'm alive....I went to get something to drink...and when I got to my room..I thought "I need a ciggereete" *flash panic stomach twist* ...I don't smoke.
