Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
there were some things i didn't think about when i was in jail, and not because they were not important. probably because every part of my brain was very busy figuring out how to survive without all of my things. like a blanket. a real blanket. like the one on our bed, and pillows. you don't get pillows in jail, well, not in the suicide watch cells anyway. i couldn't snuggle up with Andy, so i tried to snuggle up with the wall. it didn't work out. the wall remained cold and unmoved, save for the ridiculous writing scratched into it's painted bricks. i didn't think about my grandmother's jewelery box, or the q-tips. i didn't think about the cat food or the leftovers in the fridge that needed to be thrown out soon. i didn't think about my sister, not even once.
what i did think about was how cold it was inthe cell and how embarrassed and cold i was in the suicide smock. i thought about how humiliating the whole experience was. i had one suicide smock and one suicide blanket and a thin mattress on the dirty floor.
i tried to lay down and get comfortable when they put me in the cell. the crazy girl was already in her bunk, and she was half awake when i went in to the cell. she looked up at me and said something, but i don't remember what now. i worried about wether or not i would get to take showers in there. the cell smelled pretty rank. i suspected it was her.
i attempted to lay with my head on my arm, on my side, facing the cell door. it did not work. i tried to flip over, that wasn't comfortable either. i wrapped up in my blanket and underneath it, i un velcrowed the smock and took it off. i folded the smock up into a pillow, and wrapped the blanket all around me, then i layed down. i was embarrassed because i never sleep naked at home. now this. i tucked the blanket under my feet and i covered my head with it like a hood. i flipped over again so i was facing the wall. i began to read the writing on the wall. "never give up" "i love shelly" "29 days and counting" "fuck ccdc" (clay county detention center) "i love michelle, spark, patron & johnny cash" "god sees you" "you got to play the game" "i love adam" "forever you and me baby" some peace symbols, mostly random shit from random inmates.
reading the writing made me very sad, and i felt so alone. i was naked, under a suicide blanket, in jail, for who knows how long. i felt a little desperate, but i knew nothing would come. i knew nothing would fix this. i knew i was facing my demons for real this time, especially without my meds.
the crazy girl told me her life story in about 12 hours. she was coming down off of meth, and she was nuts. filthy hair and body, strong meth smelling body odor, Very fragmented speech and gestures. it was like looking in a mirror 3 years ago.
all of that made me want Andy more.
the co's would open this tiny little door on the cell door and slide trays of food in. i didn't eat, and so, i gave it to the crazy girl. she was a happy camper with two trays of food every time meals were served. she let me use a pencil and a piece of paper so i could write Andy. i wrote. it wasn't the sweetest letter, i tried not to think of how much i loved and missed him, i thought i had to be tough to survive this. i sent the letter.
i think i will continue this later. it makes me cry.
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
one thought i had was, what if Andy can't handle this? what if he can't be away from me, and stay with me while i am in jail. i was pretty sure i would have to do some time, i mean, these were class D felonies, and later, when i was released i found out that i would have had to serve some time. %15 of 4 years. Zoomie said that was only 7 months and a week, but that's still a long time.. and we just got married. i am sure this wasn't in his plans for us. i thought of how lonely he would be. then i worried that he would move on. without me. and i would be in jail, alone, without him, no letters, no phone calls. nothing. all that after i invested my whole life in our relationship. everything. i thought i would have no life after Andy left me. he didn't , and he wrote me a letter right after the cops took me away. he was heartbroken.
i don't know what i would have done. well, yeah i do. i would have cried my way through my time, and i would have called my mom for a ride when i got out. and i would have probably stayed with some friends from back in the day. they don't use or drink, so i would have probably been able to stay clean.
it would have hurt so fucking bad though.
i was putting some of Andy's papers back in their file and i came across some cards and envelopes so i got them out and read them because i thought they were from his kids. they were love letters from his ex girlfriend.
cried. explosive tears.
he said he didn't even know they were there.
i don't believe him.
but i think that's because i am mad about it all.
this is such a roller coaster of emotions.
i am sure he forgot about them, but i would have thought he would have thrown them away at least when we got married.
i don't know. they are from like, 5 or 6 years ago.
he says.
there are no dates on them, no post marks.
some of them are graphic, and i don't like picturing Andy having sex with his ex.
i don't know what to do.
i love him. i am committed to him. i married him for a reason. the letter he wrote me while i was in jail says a lot. he loves me and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to go on without me. he was afraid for me, and he really missed me.
i think this is a situation where i should put it down and move on but i don't know how to do that.
I can't speak for him... but I know I have random things laying around from exs. It isn't because I wanna still be with any of them either. A lot of it is just the stuff you have put away some where because you didn't feel right just chucking it when you broke up but completely forgot about it.
If he has them it's probably because when he married you he was thinking about you... not thinking, "hmm.. maybe I should go look for stuff from old girlfriends I was saving and get rid of it.." Because they were the last thing on his mind.
Like I said.. I can't speak for Andy... but I know as a guy.. if I have things like that around its because they get stuck somewhere and forgotten.. not because my exs are any part of my thoughts anymore.
From everything you've said it sounds like he loves you very much...
We all have links to our pasts that we can't just throw away. Other people don't understand them, particularly the ones we love and love us the most. It won't take you long to find something that annoys him.
My cousin has this wife who demanded that he get rid of ALL THINGS that he had before he met his wife. As if getting rid of items got rid of his past.
I still have shit (mostly pictures) from a couple of my exes, I hold on to them. I am over them, but the pictures are important to me - I don't feel the need to "forget" anything - but like Space said, it's not really on my mind either. It is what it is.
It's hard to trust - especially if we spend years and years living in a state of complete distrust of others.
It seems non-intuitive and weird - but it's usually worth it, and when it's not worth it, it's usually worth the risk.
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
i think you guys are right, in many ways.
when he finally got home from work we had a talk. rather he talked to me. he said the letters are from way back in 2000, and he really did forget they were there, actually he cleaned out the file thing and found a bunch of things he didn't even remember putting in there or keeping. he threw out the letters and just told me that that part of his life was over. i didn't ask him to throw them out, the only reason i was upset is because, one, i found them, that was a shock, and two, there were no dates, and i thought they were recent.
but he threw them out.
throwing them out didn't change anything, i mean, i wasn't waiting for him to do that, but when he talked to me, he was very reassuring, and i do believe him.
there is no doubt that he loves me.
also, when that ex comes to drop or pick up his youngest son, i can see exactly how over her he is.
although she flirts with him some and always brings up something from their past and asks if he remembers, he replies in a way that really shows how uninterested he is in her. he sends no mixed messages.
i believe and trust him.
reading what you guys had to say really made me feel better, and i am glad i didn't really freak out or start a fight or anything ridiculous,
i think i am growing up some.
i have a few things from my past, no pictures, i did get rid of everything i had from ex's especially the abusive one.
but my life was different than his, like everyone's lives are.
i had an urge to be rid of everything bad in my past, as i moved on, and delt with all of those issues, i really felt the need to be clean, inside and out.
