My mom is an alcoholic and has been as long as I've known.
She frequently has these mood swings, while drinking, after drinking, when not drinking and she directs them at her children.
I imagine this is typical for most addicts. Even though, you'd like to tell yourself, that isn't your mom, its just the alcoholic berating you, it's not easy. A lot of the time, its just too fucking much to deal with. I often find myself wanting to scream at her, "Its not me bitch. Its not my brothers who you say are lazy. Its not my sister, who you tell me doesn't care. Its not the two dogs you agreed to take care of but who you also complain are a burden. Its not your "fat boss" or your "lazy coworker". Its the fucking alcohol you consume night and day, in excess. We aren't all the problem, but as long as you've been addicted to alcohol, you've had huge problems. Think it could be the depressant you can't seem to put down?"
But, that wouldn't do any good would it. Its hard to talk to addicts to, because they feel like they are always the victim. When you try to talk to them about their addiction, you are vicimizing them and they want absolutely nothing to do with the conversation, because they want absolutely nothing to do with abandoning their addiction.
There are some addicts that would surprise you. Suze is one of them. Sure she's a victim, of her self and her chemical makeup and her addiction, but even then, she'll be the first to tell you that she's to blame for being addicted. However, the difference in her and an active addict, is she's a recovering sober person. Still an addict, but trying her best to live sober.
I get what you are saying, but I guess I look at it in a different way. The way I've learned to think of it is the the person has two sides to them when addicted. Its almost like split personality disorder. The side that displays destructive behavior, who is committing inconsiderate or damaging acts to themselves and others, coincidentally under the influence is the addict. I try not to associate the person with the addict. I try to tell that to myself, so I don't explode and start into angry tirades while my mom is wasted. I know it will do absolutely no good, because at that point shes the addict. It s like, if i was talking to a liquor bottle, would I expect it to listen and rationalize. I try to think of it that way. It makes it easier not to take things personally, like when under the influence the addict says things like: I hate you, or I wish you were never born. Thats the addict speaking, not the person.
But it is true, that the person is in denial about the addiction. I guess everyone deals with it in different ways. From my experience, "active addicts" wake up the day after getting wasted and taking it too far and they immediately want to attack others. I've always assumed it was because they felt bad about themselves, and needed a place to project their anger. The truth is, they and their loved ones are victims.
I come from a family of alcoholics. And there's not a one of them that admits that they have a problem. A few of them aren't functioning alcoholics and a bigger chunk that are. I hate being around any of them on a drunk binge and they are more hateful and mean when they're under the influence. And it is hard to not take them seriously. Personally, I've disassociated myself fro them. And though they think I'm being hoity toity, I'm not. I'm just trying to survive myself. But when you find someone who's no longer in denial, it's amazing what you learn from them.
everyone is an asswipe to TSI... ........LOL! yeah, I'm an asswipe too...I'm addicted to the internet code red mountain dew, marlburo red, marijuana, and meth. it's been 3 yeats since I did meth.
The asswipe catagory is HUGE and houses more than just us addicts.
My mom is an alchohaulic. ....I don't know how, but booze effects her like speed until exactly 7:30 pm when she becomes a beligerent pain in the ass.
I understand EXACTLY how you feel.
....I don't go near my moms house after the 7:30 mark.
if you live with your mom.... .....I can empathize.
my computer has a virus... ...I have to deal with. this was what my last day was like.
I was on the greyhound bus, anticipating dope sickness .....almost out of speed.
completely broke.
........terrified to sleep.
hallucinating wildly...snakes in the luggage racks,, slithering above me, as if the devil sent them to watch me to make sure I was gonna "stay dark"
.. june 27th 2005 I would arrive in flagler beach.
my mother would look at the shell that suzie was born in, tears in her eyes, as she searched my eyes for me.
.....she would lie awake and cry listening to me breathe. my chest rattling, with wet, thick, toxic speed mucus.
...watching me, sometime trying to wake me, when she saw me twiching from the paralysis dreams.
she thought I was dying.
........at that point, I was very sick for 3 weeks. I saw auras for 2 months... ..spining wheels of transparent color.
my urine was darkbrown...I was dehydrated...skin cracking from vegas's dryness, and my lack of concern to protect myself from it...
my dad, angry, just watched me with disappointed eyes. .....the pain of seeing the source of my mothers hysteria, and endless crying..was "someone" wearing my skin. ....but a stranger to him... he wanted to make me suzette feel his pain for it. .....and he wanted his daughter back too.
he bearly spoke tome for 6 months.
my aunt is an RN.
.....my mom asked her to look at me.. she told me she was afraid I really did some damage this time... ........that, she was afraid I was not gonna just "bounce back" like the other times.
and could possibly have to see a dr. about the breaker box issue...
....where I'd 'shut down" and then right before Id faint come back on. ...like someone flipped my main breaker switch off and on.
this went on for 2 weeks.
I had HORRIBLE STOMACH ACHES...EVERYTIME I ate, I was sick. it did'nt stop me... ....I was so malnurished, dehydrating and starving.
so sick, angry, humilated, agoraphobic.... ....with a bad hair cut.
(I useta cut my hair on speed., a dead giveaway to my whole family)
I did'nt wanna see my family....my mom's sis, and my cousin's live here too.
...I would'nt leave the house.
I cried, and cried, and slept, and ate, and hurt, and cried somemore...
..I had blocked out much of mourning my uncles death with speed.
I cried everyday after he died for a year.
.....but I still did'nt feel ALL of the pain, that you must feel in the process of grief from loss....to heal.
my body is older now, my eyes saw things that forever changed me.
my mother with large searching eyes.
....waited outside my "shell" that contained my very muffled true self ..mentally pacing..
...hoping and praying, one day I would fill it once more with "HER SUZIE"
instead... suicidal , depressive words, and hatred and contempt...that I did'nt die.
spilled from my mouth ............like some devil.
I was angry she saved me.
....if I had no choice...I coulda died in the streets of vegas...wrapped in shadows, and darkness.
..but she DID give me a choice.
my "superconscince" rational voice could bearly be heard. and Gods suzie won.. ........."get on the bus suzie, its gonna get alot worse" alot alot ALOT worse.
and so.....
YES, here I am, 3 years without speed. .........the most well adjusted person in this world.
LOL! ...kidding.
........I'll never be the same. I'll never forget.
but, I'll never be like that again either.
I love me.
...I'm so sorry God, I never meant to hurt me so bad. or my mom.
......I was just trying to have a good time.
It's been one hell of a transition. ......turning back into me, has been a MAJOR reconstuction.
being a speed freak and being a alchohaulic are 2 different things... .....it's like having AIDS or cancer they are both deadly, but treated difererently.
I have some cross addicted friends I can get to answer your questions on alchohaul abuse if need be.
Wow, that was a vivid description. Is that an excerpt from the book you wrote? I've read a lot of stuff from Alanon, but nothing from a recovering addict. You should consider a means for publishing, if you plan to make that into a finished work.
As far as questions, I have a lot. The only problem is, it all depends on whether the addicted person wants to change, so maybe my questions aren't important. I can't force something to happen. As you said, the addict has to fear the use of the drug more than the withdrawal from it.
Edited Wed Jun 18 2008, 08:11pm
