In the garage, with a shotgun, a rubber chicken, my cat, a RealDoll named Tsuki, a 6oz swordfish steak, a Captain Caveman decoder ring, a picture of the 1973 Dodgers, Zoomie's foot fetish, the occasional stripper to beat me up, 5 nicotine patches, a vial of Family Guy Anti Bacterial Soap, the occasional call from Suze, the occasional smoo, Avast AntiVirus, Mosh's Magical Marsupials, a bottle of Crisco, Spybot - Search & Destroy, the dude who pooped in the tuba, a PitBull named "Diesel", a limited edition 'Tickle Me Elmo', a Darth Vader mask, Terry Fader's turtle puppet, a bag of Ol'Roy dog food, a $5 gift certificate to "Biz-E-G's 'Lapdances and Laundry'", Lisa Lisa from the Cult Jam, the fabled "TSi CockRing Set", the new TSi "Paddle Me Palin" doll, a 250cc syringe full of empscum, a "Hello Kitty" tongue piercing kit, a pirated copy of WinRAR, a roasted turkey leg, my "Police Squad" box set, and K_o_C's non-used tube of Anal Eaze, I feel safe ...
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."
